I sat down to lunch with Mr. Green this afternoon and announced "GAME OVER."

I feel like I'm not doing this right. I want to pull it off. I want to do a bang-up job of being naked in front of the world. (figuratively) I want to keep up my end of things on social media. And in fact, this attempt to be open is probably exactly the therapy I need to counteract my childhood. But--

Mudd keeps pointing out to me that all the stuff in Louise's head, in her voiceovers, is what has to come out of my head and onto the page. "THAT'S the stuff!"

Yeah yeah yeah fine. Easy for you to say, Miss Mudd.

Maybe today is especially hard because one of the psychics specifically pointed out: "JULY 6: YEAH. All great"

And? I've been in tears, I've wasted time. And I hurt someone's feelings.

Tomorrow is another day. In the meantime, there's tonight.

On twitter this afternoon, I clicked over to see if I wanted to follow back someone who'd followed me. I was hoping she wasn't going to be scantily clad ... and she wasn't! This lead me to her website, to reading a post she'd written and eventually to feeling like I'd stumbled on the answer to my (unworded) prayer. She's real, she's vulnerable and she's funny. She talks about her inadequacies, her failures and her dreams. But then I came to a line which struck fear in the core of my being::

"... those women have created long careers by letting the audience get to know them intimately ... "

That phrase both sends me to and drags me (kicking and screaming) from my bunker of isolation. It's what Mudd Lavoie keeps encouraging me to do with this Go Big or Go Bust 'live journal': "Go all the way, naked in front of the world!" (naked being a metaphor here...) And even I can see that it's because this new twitter friend shows herself with all of her perceived inadequacies that I'm attracted to her.

Onward! Seriously, I want to do this.

But let's face it. In the immortal words of my (then) middle school-aged child: "It's not easy being me."

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 168 (this is hard being naked (figuratively))

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 144 (on what strikes fear in the core of my being)