One of my greatest yearnings, and for decades, has been for self-confidence. After yesterday's decisive but fleeting victory over a life-long habit of impulsiveness, I went to bed happier and woke up happier than I can remember. And it wasn't the happiness that comes from the satisfaction of a job well done or even of connecting in a deep way with another human being. It was even more profound. I felt the solid confidence I've known only from mastering a physical challenge (as in sports ... or extreme snow shovelling) or through a realization that there is more to this world than meets the eye. The feeling is the essence of Brené Brown's TED talk - that I can handle this. That there is nothing to fear.
I don't remember much from my two years of high school Latin but Mother Rauch would be proud (and probably a little surprised) that I remember anything. "Con" means "with" and "fido" means "dog". (kidding) "Fido" means "faith". What I'm discovering is a way to have faith in myself. The method, described in yesterday's post, couldn't be any less sexy: I made up a schedule and am using a kitchen timer to try and stay on track. Instead of my usual mad scramble through the day (satisfying in the moment ... but ultimately leaving me with the desperate hopelessness that I'll never get there) I feel grounded. Happy. CONFIDENT.
There's a social media insight, related to this, which I'll post tomorrow. Unfortunately, I'm already a little behind schedule. Gotta go haul out the vacuum.