Go Big or Go Bust: Day 169 (The good news is that it crushed and broke me.)

So it turns out the psychic was RIGHT.  Yesterday was great... just not for any of the reasons I was hoping or expecting. 

I like to think that at my age and in my line of work, long-married and the mother of at least two and possibly four adults, I'm some kind of grand pooh-bah of emotional maturity.  Well the last thirty-six hours took me down a peg (or ten).  Apparently I'm also human ... which by definition means 'flawed'.   

Yesterday the brick wall of a personal future toppled down right on me (disappointment, fear, hurt feelings and anxiety).  The good news is that it eventually crushed and broke me. 

I have long experience with surrender.  Mostly I fight it off with all I've got and 'win'.  (NOT.)   But regardless of whether it's forced on me by inner or outer circumstances, an actual surrender is gold to someone as strong and willful as I am.  To the extent that I couldn't follow my usual path (suppressing everything in the interest of efficiency with work), I experienced a bona fide miracle.  I felt free - free of ambition, free of desire for anything more than honestly expressing myself.  And the wholeness of this experience was delicious beyond words. 

Storms come and storms go.  Maybe next time I'll remember to stop fighting everything that doesn't look like 'my plan'.   Letting go would be great but 'we're' not at that level. 

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