Go Big or Go Bust: Day 209 (The astonishing thing about you and me. And Ben Affleck. And Maggie Gyllenhaal.)

So I can't actually remember if I've mentioned that part of the point of this blog is to figure out what the heck 'going big' exactly means.

There was a story somewhere a number of years ago that Ben Affleck, who had just zoomed to fame, had said: "Being famous is the most extraordinary and wonderful experience I've ever had.  For about twenty minutes." 

On reading that, I was surprised.  But then the more it sank in, the more it made sense.  You could imagine that it's a drag not being able to trust anyone's intentions anymore.  Everybody wants some of you or some of what you can do for them.  I'm guilty. 

Maggie Gyllenhaal once plopped her laptop down on the café table next to mine and asked if I'd watch it for a minute.  While she was off on the other side of the room, my heart rose pounding in my throat. "Give her a card.  No.  Leave her alone.  Anne, this is a fated opportunity.  Give her a goddam card."   When she returned, I offered her a Louise Log card and asked her to take a look.  To this day, I'm haunted by her quiet groan and flick of the eyes in an unspoken "Seriously??"

It feels to me that you and I have something different.  I don't wonder for one second what you're after.  I know what you're after.  You either like The Louise Log or you like this blog.  Or both.  I'm too marginal and too under the radar to help anybody.  And I'm too old to attract 'the wrong element' ha ha.  So we have this incredibly pure connection where we can talk honestly and, even if we've never met, or not for many years, we can talk like friends. 

I Love to hear from you.  I Love to hear your side of the story,  I practically do hand springs on hearing that you identify with my struggle cause of what you're going through.  It justifies this blog and makes all the time on social media feel worthwhile.  And it feels like the validation and the emotional exchange we're having on (what I used to think of as) 'stupid old facebook', may just be the very thing all we unrecognized creatives are actually longing for.   

A stairwell at Dixon Place in NYC

A stairwell at Dixon Place in NYC

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 161 (on fame and success)

I was talking with a dear family member over the weekend who shares my impulsive approach to work, who works full-throttle on whatever he feels drawn to and who has been successful by any measure.  But he doesn't feel that he's been successful.  He isn't rich or famous or powerful.  If only he'd focused on one aspect of what he does instead of spreading himself thin, he feels sure that he'd be reaping these rewards.  I pointed out that Ben Affleck or Matt Damon had said something like "Fame is the greatest single thing in the entire world.  For about twenty minutes."   Anyway.

It was instructive and very helpful for me to observe this dilemma in someone else.  I know that with his intelligence and energy he's capable of doing whatever is necessary to become rich and famous.  But I also see that it's not in his nature (nor is it in mine) to constrain and suppress his life force to (for example) sit at a desk all day every day cranking out a novel every year (a web series episode every week) whether his (my) heart is in it or not.  

And in fact, to do that might just make him (me) physically ill! 

It's clear that he's actually 'living the dream'.  He's on fire all day every day doing what he's doing.  And he's even making a significant difference in the world and getting paid to do it.

This doesn't mean that I'm giving up on the hope of getting The Louise Log out to a wide audience, but it helps me to realize that I'm already 'living the dream' and to be grateful for that.  It hasn't always been so. 

Today I finished vacuuming my new studio and this part, the office.  Hoping to move in tomorrow. 

Today I finished vacuuming my new studio and this part, the office.  Hoping to move in tomorrow.