Go Big or Go Bust: Day 51 (from my journal about episode #5)

3.3.08  Love this format!  I can work in small steps and keep the anxiety level at a dull roar.  If I could get rid of the tension in my shoulders, would I have anything to say?

3.8.08  We need an apartment for Louise.  A railroad flat would be ideal.  Please please not here.

3.11.08  There's no money to rent an actual apartment (Jersey City?  somewhere?)  Looking like Louise will 'live' here.

3.16.08  Just cause I'm not making money at this, doesn't mean I'm not professional.  So many real artists were not that hot with the business angle. 

3.22.08  How do people organize their time so they're not functioning on screaming panic?  Never feels like I can take time off.

3.25.08  Haven't heard back from any of the potential shooters.  I don't want to shoot this myself- not a good idea.  You can't do all the jobs.

3.27.08  Down to the wire.  Still no shooter. Who are all these people who said they'd like to help if I'm ever shooting??  Did I ever make up a list??

3.29.08  Fell yesterday doing a test shot for when the car almost hits Louise.  Banged up my knee elbow shoulder.  French guy on a cell phone, black workman and a nanny with a baby in a stroller all stopped to help.  Very moving.  They wouldn't go.  My little Panasonic was 10 feet down the sidewalk where I'd flung it.  I stayed on all fours, frozen.  Black guy's and baby's eyes stay with me- very deep, very open.  "It's just scrapes. I'm fine. Thank you. Thank you."  They didn't budge. The French guy insisted I should get up and stuck out his huge hand.  Last thing I wanted to do was to get up.  I got up.

3.30.08  Didn't get that much sleep, so anxious and scared, but we got something.  Thrilled to be working this hard- and wayyy out there asking for help from NYU, SVA, the New School, Michael Pappadio, Carla, Mary Law, Chris Cook, Catherine Siracusa, EVERYBODY.  Think it paid off.  So many unknown variables - the weather, the wind, being out on 11th Street.  Without Carla and Michael and Mary it would have been impossible.  Chris incredibly good-natured about running up the stairs over and over and over, carrying Aidan across 7th Avenue and up the stoop with the shopping cart (twice) when I know she was cold and it was heavy.